2020 in review

[jethrien]

I guess it's good that I didn't set a lot of explicit goals for 2020.

I did not:
- go to Mexico, Germany, or Switzerland like I'd bought tickets for; nor did I go to Amsterdam or Singapore for work as I'd hoped
- fix the job situation. It's somewhat better, in that I'm back to doing what I was hired for, but I'm just so over their issues
- get ARR more involved in public service stuff

On the other hand, I also did not:
- break anything irrevocable in my marriage
- throw my child out a window
- lose my job
- get COVID
- lose anyone I cared deeply about
- have anyone in my immediate circle lose their job or get a serious bout of COVID

I did have one short story published in a professional venue, finished revisions on a novel and started shopping it to agents, and even actually lost a few of the pounds I'd put on in April to end up with my pants fitting better now than this time last year.

Under the circumstances, I will call this all a major win.

Also, under the circumstances, I'm finding it emotionally difficult to plan more than a week ahead of time. The anxiety of the endless destroyed plans of the spring is still too fresh. The beginning of this year was some of the sickest I've ever been. The number of crying jags and panic attacks is absolutely the worst I've had. I am so, so unbelievably lucky--and if I've been this much of a wreck given how lucky our family is, I can only imagine how horrible things have been for everyone else.

So I'm grateful. Grateful for what I have. Grateful to our school, who have tried so hard. Grateful for every bit of happiness anyone's managed to eke out this year.

I'm going to try to just take this year a week at a time. Try to do things--volunteering, job searching, writing, exercise--that will make me feel satisfied with my time at the end of the week, not with any goal in mind. Maybe next year, things will feel stable enough again for goals.

Comments

[redstapler]

if I've been this much of a wreck given how lucky our family is, I can only imagine how horrible things have been for everyone else.

"Playing 2020 on Easy Mode is still playing 2020" was basically my mantra the whole year. The psychic toll of the whole thing cannot be understated.

Also, hello! <3

[fairest]

I second this! I can only imagine the delights that unpacking 2020's long-term suppressed anxiety and fear will bring future me. Anxiety is anxiety, no matter how your individual circumstances may scale with others'. Everyone lost something this year. I think you're kicking ass.

[ladymondegreen]

Sorry to have fallen off the map. I need to come back to blogging.

I hear you on not making plans. Most of my world has been online events. I have been doing a lot of Zoom sessions that require a moderator role, and I find it's less tiring than trying to all talk at once.

What sorts of things are you thinking of doing for volunteerism?

*many hugs*

[jethrien]

I did a lot of letter writing and some phone banking for the 2020 campaigns; a tree mapping survey thing to help quantify JC's tree cover; and some blood donation stuff. I used to work at the food bank, but not super comfortable with that at the moment. Not sure what I'm going to do at this point.