2012 Book Review #89: Bringing Up Bebe

[jethrien]

Title: Bringing up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting
Author: Pamela Druckerman
Genre: Parenthood: You're Doing It Wrong
Thingummies: 3

Synopsis: It turns out that the French have better behaved children because they don't parent like idiots.

Thoughts: I've been trying to avoid the most super-trendy of the parenting books, because I was afraid they would make me crazy. This one was a gift, so I felt bad not reading it. At the beginning, I had severe doubts. Happily enough, I lost most of them by the end, although not necessarily for the reasons the author intended.

So. The author is an American ex-pat living in Paris who couldn't understand why her French friends' kids were well-behaved, her kids were kind of out-of-control, and her American friends' kids were unholy little monsters. She investigates, area by area, French notions of parenting, from how French mothers regard pregnancy and birth to how French babies learn to sleep through the night to how young French children are taught manners.

To my surprise, I found the majority of this strangely soothing. Oh, there are some new concepts (some of which I agree with, others not so much). The French believe in pausing and observing fussy infants at night instead of racing to scoop them up before they can make more than a peep, so as not to disrupt emerging sleep patterns. Apparently French babies "do their nights" before they're four months old, so I'm willing to give it a try. Also, they don't believe in starting children on bland and nutritionless rice cereal for first solids, but on colorful fruits and vegetables. (This is the second source now I've heard this from. And you know, I feel like applesauce and avocado and mashed sweet potato do sound like much better first foods than rice cereal now that I think about it. Good eating habits right from the start, plus they're way more tasty and fun.) On the other hand, they're not so big on the breast-feeding, which is somewhat problematic.

But the majority of the things that the author found so revelatory were exactly the things I remember my own parents doing and what I was planning to do myself. And it basically boils down to the idea that children are inherently rational creatures capable of learning self-control, but need to learn, gently but very early, that they are not actually the center of the universe. That they do not need to be entertained every waking moment, but instead need to learn how to play and explore on their own as well as with their parents. That they should not be indulged in tantrums, that they do not need to be appeased every time they're upset or granted every single whim. That parenthood should not involve completely giving up all privacy, personal interests, and romance. That you're not a bad parent for using a babysitter or not narrating every moment of play or letting your child out of your sight (with proper age-appropriate supervision). That kids should eat more than chicken fingers and French fries.

What horrified me from the very beginning were the attitudes of modern American parents that Druckerman seems to take for granted. My mom would never have cooked two or three different dinners at a time--we ate what our parents were eating, thank you. Yes, there were some occasional battles, and there were a handful of genuine dislikes that she finally accepted and let us have, but for the most part, we ate our veggies without being tricked and got quickly bored with bland kids' menus. We were not allowed to interrupt while she was on the phone or talking to a friend unless it was an emergency. We had a ton of great dress-ups, but we didn't go to school in inappropriate clothes. We put our toys away, for the most part, and were constantly reminded of our manners. If we'd thrown tantrums in stores or destroyed other people's homes, there would have been hell to pay. And Druckerman repeatedly mentions children who hit their parents on a regular basis. I just can't even conceive of letting that happen more than once--I certainly know my mom didn't. My brother bit her once. Just once. He couldn't have been more than two. I thought the world was going to end. No spanking or I don't think even yelling--but that lecture, man, it was intense. Believe me, he never bit anyone again.

And Druckerman watches the French parents around her enact what seem to be reasonable methods to me--consistent, sensible boundaries explained kindly but enforced vigorously, while letting the child have a great deal of choice and freedom with the safety of those boundaries--with awe and confusion. I can't help but feel that the problem here is that she and her friends are being, well, idiots. For example, she talks, wonderstruck, about how French kids will eat real food (asparagus, goat cheese, lamb) without blinking, and then mentions offhand that she's an Atkins-leaning vegetarian. Well, if you're going to be a ridiculously fussy eater, of course your children are going to be ridiculously fussy eaters! What did you expect?

So, overall, I'm suddenly feeling much more confident. The methods that my parents used to raise me were, certainly not easy, but relatively simple. It's what I was planning to do. And hey, here's a whole nation of well-adjusted people who were raised by these methods, and thus able to get through a dinner party without having their children run around screaming or biting their guests! Hurray! But what strikes fear into my heart is what the existence of this book seems to imply about my fellow American parents. Please, someone, tell me that they're not all this ridiculous?

Comments

[ivy03.livejournal.com]

When I was a camp counselor, I remember wishing I had a manual for each of my campers, cause you know they were raised with certain rules, but god knows what they are, so you have no idea if they think what they're doing is okay or they're just messing with you.

Also, maybe it's that some parents think that oh, when my kid's older, I'll give them rules, not understanding that if you start out with boundaries, the kid never learns to control themselves. But man, it's years of that before they start being able to do it themselves.

[lithoglyphic.livejournal.com]

See, this is funny for me... because although I have no experience of parenting, I do have experience being a toddler in France. And "consistent, sensible boundaries explained kindly but enforced vigorously" is pretty well what I remember of being parented. (Granted, my parents are American, but I have to wonder if being in that environment influenced them at all or dovetailed nicely with their existing sensibilities). There is something comfortable about boundaries as a small child... the knowledge that your parents may be angry at you right now, but you know *exactly* what to do -- or stop doing -- to restore/maintain harmony. Of course, I lived in a very urban city, and staying on my mom's good side was the only way I was going to be protected from renegade metro doors and the scary jackhammer outside our apartment.

Interestingly, the French start kindergarten at age 3. And when I say kindergarten, I mean kindergarten -- not daycare, and not nursery school. There was a curriculum, and I remember having classes, of a sort, not just "activities." It was a full day, 9am to 3pm. Making this work demands that the majority of their kids are not unholy brats, and know how to sit still.

I'm all for including kids in grown-up life to the extent possible, and hope my kids someday let me push those boundaries. I think it grows common sense. I think the US makes too many things "for" kids, which implies that kids' standards of behavior are substantially different from adults. They shouldn't be! I remember attending my dad's formal (this is the military, remember) office functions as a six-year-old, and concerts and nicer restaurants (not just the designated "kid symphony night") in early elementary school. I remember feeling a breathless awe that it was a privilege to be at this or that "grown-up thing," and also the awareness that if I messed it up, I'd be stuck at home with a babysitter, and that would be horribly boring. I am sure different kids have different incentives, though.

[jethrien.livejournal.com]

Yeah, me too. I don't remember when my parents first took us to restaurants, but I distinctly remember being at very nice restaurants in late elementary school and being completely comfortable and aware of how to behave properly. So the training must have been rather earlier than that.

I was a very eager-to-please child, I'll admit--knowing my parents were embarrassed by me was devastating, and I tried very hard to live up to their expectations.

[fyrna.livejournal.com]

I think you and Chuckro, without any advice, would be awesome parents, so I got it mostly for your amusement on the train. :) It seemed like a fun book to read. I'm glad it makes you feel more confident!