jethrien | 2012 Book Review #103: Bringing Up Bebe

Apparently I forgot to post this review back in October. You get it now.

Title: Bringing up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting
Author: Pamela Druckerman
Genre: Parenthood: You're Doing It Wrong
Thingummies: 3

Synopsis: It turns out that the French have better behaved children because they don't parent like idiots.

Thoughts: I've been trying to avoid the most super-trendy of the parenting books, because I was afraid they would make me crazy. This one was a gift, so I felt bad not reading it. At the beginning, I had severe doubts. Happily enough, I lost most of them by the end, although not necessarily for the reasons the author intended.

So. The author is an American ex-pat living in Paris who couldn't understand why her French friends' kids were well-behaved, her kids were kind of out-of-control, and her American friends' kids were unholy little monsters. She investigates, area by area, French notions of parenting, from how French mothers regard pregnancy and birth to how French babies learn to sleep through the night to how young French children are taught manners.

To my surprise, I found the majority of this strangely soothing. Oh, there are some new concepts (some of which I agree with, others not so much). The French believe in pausing and observing fussy infants at night instead of racing to scoop them up before they can make more than a peep, so as not to disrupt emerging sleep patterns. Apparently French babies "do their nights" before they're four months old, so I'm willing to give it a try. Also, they don't believe in starting children on bland and nutritionless rice cereal for first solids, but on colorful fruits and vegetables. (This is the second source now I've heard this from. And you know, I feel like applesauce and avocado and mashed sweet potato do sound like much better first foods than rice cereal now that I think about it. Good eating habits right from the start, plus they're way more tasty and fun.) On the other hand, they're not so big on the breast-feeding, which is somewhat problematic.

But the majority of the things that the author found so revelatory were exactly the things I remember my own parents doing and what I was planning to do myself. And it basically boils down to the idea that children are inherently rational creatures capable of learning self-control, but need to learn, gently but very early, that they are not actually the center of the universe. That they do not need to be entertained every waking moment, but instead need to learn how to play and explore on their own as well as with their parents. That they should not be indulged in tantrums, that they do not need to be appeased every time they're upset or granted every single whim. That parenthood should not involve completely giving up all privacy, personal interests, and romance. That you're not a bad parent for using a babysitter or not narrating every moment of play or letting your child out of your sight (with proper age-appropriate supervision). That kids should eat more than chicken fingers and French fries, and that

What horrified me from the very beginning were the attitudes of modern American parents that Druckerman seems to take for granted. My mom would never have cooked two or three different dinners at a time--we ate what our parents were eating, thank you. Yes, there were some occasional battles, and there were a handful of genuine dislikes that she finally accepted and let us have, but for the most part, we ate our veggies without being tricked and got quickly bored with bland kids' menus. We were not allowed to interrupt while she was on the phone or talking to a friend unless it was an emergency. We had a ton of great dress-ups, but we didn't go to school in inappropriate clothes. We put our toys away, for the most part, and were constantly reminded of our manners. If we'd thrown tantrums in stores or destroyed other people's homes, there would have been hell to pay. And Druckerman repeatedly mentions children who hit their parents on a regular basis. I just can't even conceive of letting that happen more than once--I certainly know my mom didn't. My brother bit her once. Just once. He couldn't have been more than two. I thought the world was going to end. No spanking or I don't think even yelling--but that lecture, man, it was intense. Believe me, he never bit anyone again.

And Druckerman watches the French parents around her enact what seem to be reasonable methods to me--consistent, sensible boundaries explained kindly but enforced vigorously, while letting the child have a great deal of choice and freedom with the safety of those boundaries--with awe and confusion. I can't help but feel that the problem here is that she and her friends are being, well, idiots. For example, she talks, wonderstruck, about how French kids will eat real food (asparagus, goat cheese, lamb) without blinking, and then mentions offhand that she's an Atkins-leaning vegetarian. Well, if you're going to be a ridiculously fussy eater, of course your children are going to be ridiculously fussy eaters! What did you expect?

So, overall, I'm suddenly feeling much more confident. The methods that my parents used to raise me were, certainly not easy, but relatively simple. It's what I was planning to do. And hey, here's a whole nation of well-adjusted people who were raised by these methods, and thus able to get through a dinner party without having their children run around screaming or biting their guests! Hurray! But what strikes fear into my heart is what the existence of this book seems to imply about my fellow American parents. Please, someone, tell me that they're not all this ridiculous?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I don't think American parents are all that ridiculous, but American parents (particularly professional/upper-middle class parents) are more likely to believe pseudoscientific nonsense about parenting where other cultures are happy to rely on successful tradition. A disrespect for received wisdom and weakening of extended family ties means we're more likely to listen to the latest version of Dr. Spock than our own parents, who in turn were more likely to listen to their Dr. Spocks than their own parents, and so on. The result is a ton of different beliefs about parenting, some less sane than others.

My parents did fairly well except for the eating part--my mom tells me now that her mother-in-law (i.e., my paternal grandmother) pushed her towards the "don't force your kids to eat vegetables" side, and you know the results. (Of course, my mom is inclined to blame everything on her mother-in-law, so take that with a grain of salt). As parental-caused issues go, it's a relatively small one.

A bit of anecdata that I think is interesting? The kids I remember from middle and high school who were worst behaved were the ones with child psychologist or teacher parents. The nastiest jerk in middle school my year was the school psychologist's son. In my sister's class, it was the science teacher's daughter. In both cases, I think it's because the parents with "expertise" in child development were willing to make pseudoscientific excuses for their kids' behavior that let the kids avoid consequences, rather than expecting good behavior no matter what.

Gah, that anonymous comment was from me (which I'd think was fairly obvious from the content, but...). Didn't realize I was signed out.

I had a friend whose mom was a child psychologist. He wasn't at all poorly behaved; just deeply damaged. She used it as an excuse to be selfish on her own behalf instead of his. I think the child psychologists have a tendency to fall in love with theories instead of actual children, and stop seeing their children as people at all. Then they just make up excuses to do whatever's most convenient.

Sigh. All of the problems I see in my sister's kids I see in not following much of this advice. To my sister's credit, it's not her fault. Her husband cannot abide any crying so he soothes, cajoles or punishes outright at the slightest sign of upset, which is why my older niece and nephew now faux-cry at the drop of the hat. (I told my nephew not to throw puzzle pieces at the couch--didn't yell, didn't punish, just said no, don't--and he fell to the floor, hands over face, to start crying.) Kids need not to be indulged, but they also need not to be interrupted. Helicopter parenting is the worst thing you can do for kids, which is hard for some parents to understand, partially because they may be nervous new parents (like my brother and his wife, jumping to change a diaper even when the baby was sleeping and clearly not minding it being dirty), partially because they want to be involved. But there's good involvement and bad influence. The trick, as in much in life, is to walk the line.

It's no fun to have a crying child, but I think it's important to remember that crying is not the worst thing that can happen to a kid. An 18-year-old who's never been allowed to be upset is going to be a pretty screwed up person.

I've not read the book, but I could have sworn I read this same review before. It turns out that another parent-friend of mine had posted a very similar review to LJ when she read the book before her new little one was born. :)

While we could do better on the not-waking-up-at-every-peep sleep front, yeah. Our little one eats what we're eating, though sometimes only part of it. If I'm making a spicy rice dish, for example, I'll set aside some plain rice before I mix it in with the spicy stuff. (I do the same thing for my teenager, depending on the spice level I'm aiming for. I don't separate things out if it's not a super-spicy thing.) And then the next day when I'm eating the leftovers, she (baby) will come over to me and eat half of it, spice and all. Her favorite foods right now are black beans, broccoli (she gums the dark green parts off, still no teeth), avocado, ground beef (taco meat), and kale puffs. Giving her black beans makes a wonderful mess, but she enjoys them so much. Blackbeanbeard, the pirate. :)

Violent outbursts are not a thing (yet). I don't know if it's a lack-of-exposure thing or if I have an easy baby or what. I don't remember having problems on that front with the older one either, but I do have vague memories of giving a lecture like the one you mention. :) Quiet intensity when discussing important things is very effective.

I took the time to read the book, so I have an updated reaction for you!

There are a lot of things that I don't agree with in the book, and a lot of things that I think it skips. Example: What do you do if your 6-month-old gets sick, stuffy-headed, and can't sleep in their crib overnight? That disrupts sleep patterns of everyone involved, and it takes TIME to get back to normal. Months, perhaps, before bebe is sleeping through the night again. Another example: UGH GENDER ROLES.

Things I agree with: Yes, baby eats what everyone else eats. (Current favorite foods for my nearly-one-year-old: peas, Cheerios, kielbasa (cut into tiny pieces, skin removed), really any meat (steak, fish) cut into pieces, and hummus.) Allowing quiet play by oneself. Not cheering at every little thing that baby does. Not being the voiceover parent ALL OF THE TIME: "You're swinging in the swing!" "You're eating Cheerios!" "You're playing with blocks!". However, some of that is GOOD. How else is the little one going to know what blocks, toes, spoons, crawling, burping, raspberries, diapers, and closed cupboard doors are?

I don't think the book puts enough emphasis on changing to accommodate individual kids' needs. Some need more quiet time, others need more conversation, or time being held, or more meals during growth spurts, or whatever.

That all said,

There are parents out there who when they take their kid(s) to the playground, the parents loudly exclaim about everything their kid(s) do(es). Yes, they do it so that they show how awesome a parent they are. They took the time to take their kid to the park! And their kid is going down the slide! And the parent is engaged! Look at the time spent together as parent and child! Isn't that parent what everyone should aspire to be? ... I see it as the parent reassuring themselves that they are doing the right things. I feel a little bad when I see it, because they are a parent who is not confident about their own status as a "good parent". I haven't seen much of this, but I haven't been taking my non-walking baby to the playground much.

There are parents who talk about sending their kids to the right schools, and love to talk for hours about the comparisons of this and that and the other private schools. They're often the ones who couldn't even imagine sending their kid to public school (for fear of they'll-end-up-working-at-McDonalds cooties?). I've run into a few of these, and it's hard for me to deal with, since my older kid is in public school. Not to mention that I am a product of the public schools.

Listening to your kid, really listening, instead of being in auto-pilot stimulus-reaction mode, is really hard sometimes. Like when you're low on sleep. Or in a hurry. Or are in a loud environment. Or when you are having a bad day, are hungry, are cranky, need a bath, and could use a clean shirt or a kleenex. It's easier to function when: Kid cries, find pacifier that they dropped, put back in mouth, go back to sleep. It's harder to listen to hear if maybe they need a change, or maybe they just need a minute while they find a comfy spot in their crib. It's okay to be in auto-pilot sometimes. Not all the time, of course. But really, it's okay to not be super-parent. Give the kid their pacifier quickly when you're trying to fix your own sleep deficit. It's fine. But stop and listen when you're awake. Back to the voiceover parent, I think sometimes they talk so much so that they don't have to listen to their kid(s) talk.

Also, date nights? Awesome. I think R and I have had one real date night since T was born. He and I should fix that.

This all seems very sensible. And I kind of suspect that there are subtlties that the author herself misses (such as dealing with sick kids). I think a lot of what bothers me about American parenting in general is the bizarre mixture of faddishness and stridency, probably because people know they're being faddish and then feel compelled to defend their decision by enforcing it on others. The things that resonated for me about French parenting were really the things that I remember about my own parents--mostly the idea that it's not healthy for kids to be the center of the universe. Very important, and carefully paid attention to, but not the all consuming little dictators that some American kids seem to be.