jethrien

Title: Pandora's Legions
Author: Christopher Anvil
Genre: Science fiction
Thingummies: 1.5

Synopsis: Aliens conquer Earth. Turns out we're smarter than them. Doesn't go well.

Thoughts: This...didn't age well.

For starters, apparently it was originally intended to be one book, but since it was written in the 70s, the author ended up getting half of the chapters published as short stories and then serialized the rest as a separate novel. The editor joyfully tells us that they stitched the two back together, alternating chapters essentially, to form a harmonious whole as was originally intended.

It doesn't work.

The premise is that aliens surprise and initially overwhelm us due to our own infighting. But it quickly emerges that we're a lot smarter than them, and the conquest turns into a siege and eventually an awkward truce, and then we take over most of their empire, spreading our terrible ideas all over the place.

The overall attitude is an incredibly knock-off-Heinlein bit of hooey that tries to combine human exceptionalism (we're totally the smartest things ever!) and an incredibly one-dimensional cynicism (I'm going to complain about how we go overboard by having the galaxy completely overwhelmed by a mix of petty dictators, rebels-without-causes, and snake oil salesmen!) It does not prove that humans are intelligent by setting up strawmen aliens to be bewildered. Nor does it prove that humans are flighty by setting strawmen dictators/revolutionaries/capitalists. The author clearly thinks he's very clever and has made a devastating point. He's not. He hasn't.

The short stories follow the adventures of a human military officer who winds up in the Centran army. Each story is at least entertaining, if a little objectivist "everything would be better if only authority figures I don't like would bow to the obvious superiority of the junior guy I made up as if that proves something". In each of these, which have been turned into chapters scattered at random through the book, he's tasked with subduing some uppity natives who aren't properly rolling over for the Centran overlords. (Why is it necessary for the aliens to conquer all of the galaxy, and we should therefore root for them? Look over there, shiny!) But the solutions are relatively clever, at least. I did actually enjoy these sections, as dated over-imperialist dogman that was still kinda enjoyable.

The rest of the book is the tale of a Centran general who tries to keep the humans from tearing the empire apart. Very little actually happens, because the guy ignores characterization like the wussy stuff it is, but isn't so great at creating real tension for upper level politics. There are not one, but two deus ex machinas. (Possibly three, if you count Columbia.) As the book was originally written, with the human military officer basically off-stage for everything, it would have been four. So, that happened.

And the philosophy. Oy. Most of this is self-congratulatory back slapping in which a lower officer righteously triumphs over a stupid superior, again as if that proves something when the author is the one who made the superior dumb. (No dumb superior ever turns out to have a legitimate reason for their actions--no, it's just that people in authority are dumb, so people the author likes should be in charge.) Anyone who got higher education is dumb. Anyone with a political opinion is dumb. Anyone with PTSD is malingering. People should be slapped until they wise up, and then go be virtuous farmers or lower level soldiers who stop education at 18. Oh, and women don't exist. At all. Seriously, there is not a single female character in the entire book.

There is a kind of righteous joy in watching stupid characters get slapped down. And the military exploits are interesting puzzles. But man, this is a fabulous example of the worst of classic science fiction.