jethrien

Title: Majician/51
Author: Mike W. Barr
Genre: Woeful attempt to give Area 51 the Da Vinci Code treatment
Thingummies: 1

Synopsis: Dr. Ross Gardner has everything he ever wanted: a fascinating job studying the downed alien spacecraft at Area 51, a super hot wife, even a victory at the company baseball game. But when he discovers that the mysterious symbols on the craft are actually alchemical sigils, he gains inexplicable mystical powers, loses all traces of common sense, and learns an important lesson: if you're a geek and you think a woman's too hot to be interested in you, you're right. She's actually an overemotional, treacherous lesbian stripper who was totally hired to betray you.

Thoughts: Like the last book I reviewed, this came from a small press. It is, unfortunately, a book that proves why small press has such a bad name. It's awful.

The author's a comic book writer. It shows. Not all comic book writers are terrible novelists--some are fabulous. But it's important to note that being able to write comics does not mean you're able to write other things. Superhero books usually come with someone else having done the heavy lifting, having established a character and a personality. So you can make the bad guy do something just 'cause he's bad, and the good guy can stop him just 'cause he's good. (The best comics writers aren't this lazy, of course, but given the utter lack of motivation for anyone at all's actions in this book, I think this one might be.)

Marty Stu is totally only the second person in sixty years to notice that the spacecraft is covered in common alchemical symbols. And while the last guy who figured it out got possessed by aliens and went insane, he's Green Lantern, I mean, his willpower is strong enough for him to stay free and instantly understand how to think these sigils really hard and so blow stuff up and stop bullets and slow down time.

He's married to Mary Sue the femme fatale, who has purple eyes and whose every move is graceful and whose name is, no shit, Danse. She's so hot that nearly every single sentence that's specifically about her notes her hotness. She can't lean over someone's shoulder without her hair attractively framing her face. She's also an emotionless bitch who's surprised Marty's upset that she lied to him about everything for their entire relationship and would much rather be with her lesbian girlfriend, but doesn't seem terribly upset when the girlfriend gets blown away two pages after we meet her.

No one in this book actually has a motivation for anything they do. Marty's actions make no sense. The government, Danse, evil shadowy corporate guy, muckraking reporter guy, and fellow scientist friend all have the same problem. Why does anyone do anything? Well, because the plot wanted them to. Despite the fact that the action in question is completely idiotic and counter to their own self-interests.

Also, a lot of gratuitous torture. And Marty blows up a dog.

Towards the end, the number of run-on sentences and abused commas increases. I can't decide whether the author was getting too excited to remember grammar, or whether he also just wanted it to be over and didn't care anymore.

I find it fascinating how often wall-bangingly bad writing goes with sexism. (Both ways, at least--Danse may be irrationally mercurial and manipulative, but apparently no man can withstand her womanly wiles. Because all guys are completely incapable of thinking with anything besides their pants.)

Embarrassingly awful. Go back and read The Translated Man again.