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But does depression really lie? Really?
Mar. 2nd, 2020 03:35 pmSo in the continuing saga - it turns out the reason my throat still hurts is because I have a vocal cord granuloma. They're not sure if it's from all the coughing (and ugly crying) or from reflux caused by stress and not great food choices, but now I'm supposed to talk as little as possible for at least three weeks. And I'm not supposed to have caffeine, chocolate, fatty things, spicy things, fried things, tomatoes, or peppermint. And I'm supposed to be sleeping on an angle. And I'm on a steroid inhaler and two different prescription antacids. So I'm sleeping badly. And may be in caffeine withdrawal. And am stuck on a restricted diet. And steroids are known to cause mood swings. And I feel socially isolated.
In other words, I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. And talking to someone about it is challenging, given that I'm literally not supposed to talk.
Other things that are really not helping?
- Having already cancelled things I was looking forward to (my spa day and our romantic long weekend), next up is a ski trip planned for this weekend. It's 50 degrees out there. This isn't going to go well.
- Looking farther into the future is a cruise to Mexico from New Orleans in April, and a visit to Germany and Switzerland in June. Am I really over-catastrophizing here to have grave doubts that these two things I was really looking forward to and meticulously planned are also not going to happen?
- Coronavirus. Which would be bad under any circumstances but our government seems determined to make much, much worse. And while I'm not super worried about my immediate family - seems likely if we get it, it will be miserable but not world-ending - I am deeply worried about elderly members of my family and friends who have a small and medically fragile baby. We've stocked up on canned goods and basic medicine and cleaning supplies. Now we all wash our hands and wait.
- Speaking of politics, I am not enjoying this primary.
- I have been getting plenty of calls from recruiters. None of them go anywhere, because all of them are convinced I'm more senior than I actually am. I am deeply concerned about the political situation at my current company.
I just...increasingly feel like everything is futile and basically doomed. And I realize that shitty sleep and lack of caffeine and steroids and just the fact that I've been ill for two months now and every time I seem to get better something new hits, and every time I look forward to something it gets ruined is having a major effect here. But I'm having a lot of trouble actually motivating myself to do anything when every time anything seems to get better something new hits and every time there's something to look forward to it gets ruined. Trying to have perspective here. Trying to get through the two weeks remaining of this treatment and seeing if caffeine and sleep and no prescription drugs, and y'know, the ability to talk balances things out a bit again.
It just...sucks. You know? None of my personal problems are the end of the world, and plenty of people have it worse. I haven't lost perspective. But it just sucks.
In other words, I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. And talking to someone about it is challenging, given that I'm literally not supposed to talk.
Other things that are really not helping?
- Having already cancelled things I was looking forward to (my spa day and our romantic long weekend), next up is a ski trip planned for this weekend. It's 50 degrees out there. This isn't going to go well.
- Looking farther into the future is a cruise to Mexico from New Orleans in April, and a visit to Germany and Switzerland in June. Am I really over-catastrophizing here to have grave doubts that these two things I was really looking forward to and meticulously planned are also not going to happen?
- Coronavirus. Which would be bad under any circumstances but our government seems determined to make much, much worse. And while I'm not super worried about my immediate family - seems likely if we get it, it will be miserable but not world-ending - I am deeply worried about elderly members of my family and friends who have a small and medically fragile baby. We've stocked up on canned goods and basic medicine and cleaning supplies. Now we all wash our hands and wait.
- Speaking of politics, I am not enjoying this primary.
- I have been getting plenty of calls from recruiters. None of them go anywhere, because all of them are convinced I'm more senior than I actually am. I am deeply concerned about the political situation at my current company.
I just...increasingly feel like everything is futile and basically doomed. And I realize that shitty sleep and lack of caffeine and steroids and just the fact that I've been ill for two months now and every time I seem to get better something new hits, and every time I look forward to something it gets ruined is having a major effect here. But I'm having a lot of trouble actually motivating myself to do anything when every time anything seems to get better something new hits and every time there's something to look forward to it gets ruined. Trying to have perspective here. Trying to get through the two weeks remaining of this treatment and seeing if caffeine and sleep and no prescription drugs, and y'know, the ability to talk balances things out a bit again.
It just...sucks. You know? None of my personal problems are the end of the world, and plenty of people have it worse. I haven't lost perspective. But it just sucks.
