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Where are we now
I guess we've kind of settled in to this being how we live now?
Homeschooling is frustrating. The school is trying very hard, but none of them have ever done this before and it's bumpy. The adventure of the last week or two has been the ever shifting Zoom passwords, which are impossible to keep track of. There's the link and password for the first years class meeting at 12:45 on Monday-Thursday. There's the one for the full class meeting at 1:45 on Friday. There's the one for the 8:30am gym class MWF, the one for the after school gym class on Monday, the ones for the different after school activities that are entirely different and at different times every day of every week. The ones for each individual meeting with the teachers. There's the Instagram Live session at 9am, and the Instagram Live session at noon that we've made an executive decision to just skip. There's his biweekly therapy session on a different platform. The coding class on Friday on another platform. The Minecraft private server session with his friends on Thursday. An assortment of playdates with friends and grandparents, each on a different platform. Every morning, the three of us sit down with our respective calendars and try to sync up who's going to help him get into which class, and we still screw it up on a regular basis. We've missed multiple classes by getting the schedule wrong, and gotten locked out of several by failing to find the passwords or the correct links.
Also, there's a reason I'm not a teacher. This is not going super great. He's trying, I'm trying, the situation is...trying. ARR's understandably upset about the situation, and behavior has regressed a bit. Hypersensitivity to criticism (like, curling in a ball if I gently point out a word is misspelled) makes everything very high stakes. We've instituted (with his therapist's approval) an Impossible Bucket into which he owes five cents every time he declares a task is impossible before trying it, because I just couldn't take it anymore. (Spoiler: none of this is beyond his capabilities.) We're getting some one-on-one tutoring from the teachers each week, which helps, but having the only people he sees in person be responsible for teaching as well as discipline and affection is causing a lot of roller coaster emotion days. And oy, trying to get actual work done is killing me. Fortunately, my coworkers all also have kids and are understanding. (Although it's clear that many of their kids are more independent than mine.)
Sigh.
Trying to keep some good things going.
- The Metropolitan Opera's The Merry Widow was delightful. I feel slightly less guilty/FOMOish for having watched at least one of the free things.
- I got fed up, suited up, and picked up two entire bags of trash from the sidewalks surrounding us. (And then threw out the gloves and threw all the clothes and the mask straight in the washer and jumped straight in the downstairs shower.) Things have gotten...really gross out there.
- The tiki bar a few blocks over is selling bottled tiki drinks. I'm drinking a hurricane. It's delightful. I'm glad everyone decided to relax a bunch of the liquor rules. I'm glad I don't live in PA.
I think I've been in a little less of a funk this week? Less feeling completely hopeless and overwhelmed. I'm drinking somewhat less (still a lot more often than I did before all this, honestly, but less) and I'm actually interested in doing things some evenings. I just signed another contract for another story (I'll announce when it publishes). Trying to finish revisions on this novel. Vaguely contemplating self-publishing for novels 2 & 3, although the amount of work involved is intimidating.
Mostly, trying to get through day by day here.
Homeschooling is frustrating. The school is trying very hard, but none of them have ever done this before and it's bumpy. The adventure of the last week or two has been the ever shifting Zoom passwords, which are impossible to keep track of. There's the link and password for the first years class meeting at 12:45 on Monday-Thursday. There's the one for the full class meeting at 1:45 on Friday. There's the one for the 8:30am gym class MWF, the one for the after school gym class on Monday, the ones for the different after school activities that are entirely different and at different times every day of every week. The ones for each individual meeting with the teachers. There's the Instagram Live session at 9am, and the Instagram Live session at noon that we've made an executive decision to just skip. There's his biweekly therapy session on a different platform. The coding class on Friday on another platform. The Minecraft private server session with his friends on Thursday. An assortment of playdates with friends and grandparents, each on a different platform. Every morning, the three of us sit down with our respective calendars and try to sync up who's going to help him get into which class, and we still screw it up on a regular basis. We've missed multiple classes by getting the schedule wrong, and gotten locked out of several by failing to find the passwords or the correct links.
Also, there's a reason I'm not a teacher. This is not going super great. He's trying, I'm trying, the situation is...trying. ARR's understandably upset about the situation, and behavior has regressed a bit. Hypersensitivity to criticism (like, curling in a ball if I gently point out a word is misspelled) makes everything very high stakes. We've instituted (with his therapist's approval) an Impossible Bucket into which he owes five cents every time he declares a task is impossible before trying it, because I just couldn't take it anymore. (Spoiler: none of this is beyond his capabilities.) We're getting some one-on-one tutoring from the teachers each week, which helps, but having the only people he sees in person be responsible for teaching as well as discipline and affection is causing a lot of roller coaster emotion days. And oy, trying to get actual work done is killing me. Fortunately, my coworkers all also have kids and are understanding. (Although it's clear that many of their kids are more independent than mine.)
Sigh.
Trying to keep some good things going.
- The Metropolitan Opera's The Merry Widow was delightful. I feel slightly less guilty/FOMOish for having watched at least one of the free things.
- I got fed up, suited up, and picked up two entire bags of trash from the sidewalks surrounding us. (And then threw out the gloves and threw all the clothes and the mask straight in the washer and jumped straight in the downstairs shower.) Things have gotten...really gross out there.
- The tiki bar a few blocks over is selling bottled tiki drinks. I'm drinking a hurricane. It's delightful. I'm glad everyone decided to relax a bunch of the liquor rules. I'm glad I don't live in PA.
I think I've been in a little less of a funk this week? Less feeling completely hopeless and overwhelmed. I'm drinking somewhat less (still a lot more often than I did before all this, honestly, but less) and I'm actually interested in doing things some evenings. I just signed another contract for another story (I'll announce when it publishes). Trying to finish revisions on this novel. Vaguely contemplating self-publishing for novels 2 & 3, although the amount of work involved is intimidating.
Mostly, trying to get through day by day here.
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It looks like my busy season is going to be remote whether or not restrictions lift (series of dominos regarding the company moving and a pause to construction of the new space), and I don’t know how I’m going to do that.
And then of course I feel guilty for everything since I have probably the best situation I could have right now.
I mean, none of this is new. I’m not a person with a history of depression, it’s just like the world the decided to impose upon me all of the behaviors that would make me depressed. It is the opposite of cognitive behavioral therapy.
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I have wild mood swings from "dealing" to "not dealing". I'm trying very hard to take advantage of "dealing" and just...push through "not dealing." In some ways, having a kid is much harder. But in others, I just don't have a choice so I do get more things done, and when I do stuff, I do feel better.
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I agree with others that for all the frustration, kids do help keep the day structured, and that once you've got moving it's easier to use that momentum to be productive. Even so, I peter out quickly, and overall productivity is low given the amount of hours actually free to work. Creativity is no. Most people, I think, are in this same muddle to one degree or another.
Also: Your feelings are valid, even if you think other people have it worse. We all struggle, and each struggle is personal and real.