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oh, the badness of the bad movie...
We had a bad movie night on Saturday - cookies and wine (thanks, Marc!) and movies. We started with Sky High (which was obtained as a palate cleanser, but the group demanded to watch first). It was surprisingly good. I mean, I didn't expect it to suck, but I was still surprised by how clever and funny it was.
Dungeons & Dragons, however, lived up to expectations. I can't decide what was the worst part. The one-dimensional characters? The really bad overacting (including Jeremy Irons gnawing the scenery to sawdust and Thora Birch looking like she had never acted before in her life and had only seen the script for the first time five minutes ago)? The fact the plot felt like it was lifted straight from one of the more boring modules? The incredibly tacky badness of the key prop? The bad CGI? The fact that they apparently cut all scenes with actual character development in favor of paying for the bad CGI? The tendency of accents to shift mid-sentence? The inherent silliness of trying to have a bad guy be menacing when he has tentacles coming out of his ears?
Wait, no - it was the incredibly painful performance of Marlon Waynes as Snails the bumbling, incompetent, cowardly thief. Within the first five minutes,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ivy03 turned to chuckro and asked if he was going to die because he was the only black character. And what do you know? He did. But first he turned in a performance worthy of Stepin Fetchit. I swear, he was one step away from rolling his eyes in fear. It was horrific. We were cringing.
We actually watched a little of the beginning again with the director's commentary. We were hoping that maybe the director would break down in tears and beg our forgiveness. Instead, we had the director and the lead actor talking about how so-and-so is really talented, and the director is a hard taskmaster and how without the chemistry between these characters, the scene wouldn't work. They were talking as if the scene did work. Only - it didn't. Not even a little. These people were convinced they'd made a good movie! What, were they blind? Aaaauuugghh!
But the MST-ing was hysterical, which was the point.
Dungeons & Dragons, however, lived up to expectations. I can't decide what was the worst part. The one-dimensional characters? The really bad overacting (including Jeremy Irons gnawing the scenery to sawdust and Thora Birch looking like she had never acted before in her life and had only seen the script for the first time five minutes ago)? The fact the plot felt like it was lifted straight from one of the more boring modules? The incredibly tacky badness of the key prop? The bad CGI? The fact that they apparently cut all scenes with actual character development in favor of paying for the bad CGI? The tendency of accents to shift mid-sentence? The inherent silliness of trying to have a bad guy be menacing when he has tentacles coming out of his ears?
Wait, no - it was the incredibly painful performance of Marlon Waynes as Snails the bumbling, incompetent, cowardly thief. Within the first five minutes,
ivy03 turned to chuckro and asked if he was going to die because he was the only black character. And what do you know? He did. But first he turned in a performance worthy of Stepin Fetchit. I swear, he was one step away from rolling his eyes in fear. It was horrific. We were cringing. We actually watched a little of the beginning again with the director's commentary. We were hoping that maybe the director would break down in tears and beg our forgiveness. Instead, we had the director and the lead actor talking about how so-and-so is really talented, and the director is a hard taskmaster and how without the chemistry between these characters, the scene wouldn't work. They were talking as if the scene did work. Only - it didn't. Not even a little. These people were convinced they'd made a good movie! What, were they blind? Aaaauuugghh!
But the MST-ing was hysterical, which was the point.
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If I had free time in overabundance, it'd be fun to film buffering shots of guys sitting around a gaming table and then cutting them in with the film. I have a (probably unfounded) belief that one could transform this piece of crap into a redeemable movie by doing that. Of course, I also have a (fully founded) belief that one could get sued doing that...
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With buffering shots, all the bad acting and props and plot in the movie could actually work to its advantage.
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I'm just imagining a whole secondary plot in which half of the players keep coming and going for various reasons, and the GM eventually gets pissed off, which leads to him killing Snails and making the "wall of force" that stops everyone but Ridley from going into the dragon's horde cave.
And, of course, right after the ending scene, you cut to the characters throwing popcorn at the GM and screaming, "What the hell?!"
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Or we could just watch Gamers, which I have a serious hankering to do at this point.
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http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0406728/
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The worst part of the commentary, actually, was the occasional comment by one of the D&D co-creators, who obviously didn't have a clue what to say and sounded really uncomfortable just being there. So everything he said was just a kind of rambly, obviously prompted monotone about D&D game basics.
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BUT THE REAL HORROR IS THE COMMENTARY. Yes, there was commentary for his music video. We laughed--laughed!--about that when we saw it, and so we put the video on for a second time, expecting to hear vague artist-speak and justifications thrown in randomly, or else total piss-taking.
CRISPIN GLOVER TALKED FASTER THAN THE MICROMACHINES GUY AND WAS TOTALLY SERIOUS THE WHOLE TIME. And the aforemention Hitler? He apparently ended up looking like Hitler "by accident." HOW DO YOU MAKE SOMEONE LOOK LIKE HITLER BY ACCIDENT!?! Yeah, my vote for craziest commentary about a steaming pile of crap, right there.
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Oh, and I was helping my cousin clean out her parents attic on Saturday and she uncovered a gift from her high school boyfriend - a framed and mounted 8x10 glossy of The Crow with two of the trading cards. Know anyone interested? I told her to eBay it.
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And please, don't waste your time on the sequels. The Crow: City of Angels wasn't worth trying to decipher the lead's accent, The Crow: Salvation did something slightly different and made itself almost political before ruining the movie with ridiculous plotting and Kirsten Dunst, and The Crow: Wicked Prayer belongs in the bowels of hell.
Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, I got Battlestar Galactica's first season for Christmas. You want to borrow it, don't you?
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I can ferry Pretender to you if you like. I only have season 1 at the moment, but I'm working on getting the others.
And soon I will have seaQuest. Soon.
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And this all came about because you weren't able to attend. The initial idea for movie night was Rocky Horror.
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I of course can never watch the film "Willard" out of solidarity to my uncle Willard who was in college when the first "Willard" came out, tarnishing his name forever.
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He's still doing better than my poor cousin Forrest.
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On second thought, double-checking with the IMDB says I'm wrong. Apparently the sequel to the original was called Ben. My bad.
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